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|
[And that's the way I like it]
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|
|
| This Desert Life |
[10 Dec 2009|03:27pm] |
I seem to do my best thinking in the car.
Driving home in the cold today i finally came to a logical order of things. I was able to reach not a conclusion but a summary. Taking this time away from my own neurotic thoughts has place me far enough back that i can look at things more logically now. I've stripped away the unnecessary thoughts, all that's left is the bare bulb on a single wire hanging from the ceiling. I can now point at it and say 'this is what happened.'
My loneliness got me in trouble.
While most humans go out seeking thrills or attention or gratification, i went out seeking solvency for my solitude. The gaping hole in my heart needed to be filled and i filled it with you.
I never loved you. I was never in love with you.
I never even really liked you, i just liked the way you treated me (most of the time anyway).
I liked the pet-names and the attention and never having to be without someone to talk to and how sometimes, it almost felt like more than what it was.
My heart just wanted to flush the loneliness out of it's ventricles, it didn't really care as much how it was done.
So you were my bandage, but you ended up covering not my heart but my eyes.
I was using you, but you were using me too.
I let you take advantage of my desperation. I was always there to entertain you and keep you occupied, i was the one you could flirt with and the one who would stay over late just because you wanted me to.
In a sense, i was an aid in curing your loneliness as well. But i had another purpose in your life. I was the place holder, the time filler.
I was the magazine you read in the lobby of the doctor's office, the thing you shuffle through absently, never delving into completely, for fear you might get too absorbed and miss when the receptionist calls your name.
In your case you had eyes for the doctor herself, but she saw you as only a patient.
So when she finally came around, and saw you as something else, you dropped me.
Back to the coffee table. I don't need you anymore.
You were waiting for your best friend to come around and feel for you the way you felt about her.
And once it happened, for the second time in a row, i no longer had a purpose in your life.
And i had no idea. Even when i confronted you you claimed 'only to be friends'.
I was in denial, and you were conniving.
And even though you were only a temporary solution, i got a little addicted to not being lonely. You were there to take off the edge, and the thought of going without, was frightening. I don't want to go back to being alone. Just one more sip, one more snort, one more shot. I can't do without.
You were starting to become poison in my veins, and still i couldn't let you go.
So when i finally realized that history had repeated itself, that 'it had happened again', i was able to sever the tie and give you up cold turkey.
And that is the part that hurts the most, that now can be happy, you don't have the dreaded loneliness swimming in your bloodstream.
And i do.
I'm back where i was before.
I spent a year of my life pretending a quick fix was a real solution, a tourniquet was more than just a piece of fraying fabric wrapped around my arm to stop endless bleeding.
It's only proof of what i have known all along...some people are fine with false solutions, anything that will make them feel better. But i can't pretend. I can't act like i don't want the whole thing, the REAL thing. I can't separate my desperation to not be alone and my desire to be the world to someone else.
It's all or nothing for me. And i hate it sometimes, that i can't use people with no consequence, like everyone else can. Half the world is people getting together just to rid themselves of loneliness. That's because people are okay with things not lasting forever.
I'm not.
So my loneliness got me in trouble, and i'm back in it again.
And i'm scared of it and it sleeps with me at night and watches me like a haggard wolf breathing in the corner. But i have to live with it, it's a shadow i can't shake.
I took the path i thought looked pretty, and it ended up being brambles and thorns and dark clouds. I got scratched up and bled in circles. It was no shortcut.
Loneliness is like wandering a desert. You are truly alone, no one in sight, not even the prospect of someone. Solitude. So when i saw a lone cabin on the horizon I ran towards it, desperate to get out of the heat. It felt good to walk inside and be greeted with a smile by another human, and they fed me and let me rest with them. It felt good to be enclosed in four walls. I never wanted to leave. But the cabin was almost a mirage. Now i find myself alone again in the desert. No one around, it feels like no hope in sight.
And i would give anything for the safety of four walls around me again.
So i'll have to keep wandering the desert, until eventually i find another refuge.
But this time, i've got make sure i'm invited to stay.
|
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| I had an anxiety attack and all i got were these ambiguous, metaphoric euphemisms. |
[27 Jul 2009|03:05am] |
-It's a lot easier to tell someone how to fly to the moon than it is to build your own rocket ship and fly there yourself
-There is no cure for sanity
-To suffer in silence is a dangerous thing
When i get desperate enough i imagine myself talking to a shrink.
I could never actually see one myself so an imaginary one is the best i can do.
I sometimes wish I was crazy. Crazy people get the privilege of drugs and sympathy.
A sane person must suffer alone.
I am the sanest person i know, and my own mind frightens me sometimes. I wish I could turn it off. All the thoughts.
My head reminds me of that scene from The Fox and the Hound, where the foxes are running from the hunter, and there are bear traps everywhere. They don't know where to step, the hound is gaining on them..they get trapped, now the burrow they are in is surrounded by fire, there's no way out.
Turn it off. I wish i could.
I've realized the only thing that can save me is to tell you.
"I still have leftover feelings for you. I can't make them go away. I'm sorry."
I need so badly to say these words to you.
Because I know once I say it i won't feel so trapped. I can share part of the burden.
That's part of why i fear telling you. Burden.
We talked tonight for the first time in a while. [And by talk of course i mean texted...oh 21st century..]
You were drunk. Very drunk.
And yet the conversation we had was unlike any other. You opened up to me.
"I have a void."
Don't we all?
I concentrated on trying my best to say the words that would help you in some way.
I wanted to say it. I figured, hey, you're drunk, you probably wouldn't even remember in the morning.
But once you told me that you're 'sad every day', i knew i couldn't. My burden has to stay my burden. At least for now.
I can't bring it upon you.
Suffer in silence.
I just hope i have the courage to say it you. Even if the courage i need comes in liquid form, i feel the only way i can help myself, 'get to the moon', is by telling you.
I can't hold it in too much longer. Seven months has been hard enough.
And yeah, no matter what i tell myself, or have told myself, or have told anyone else, i have had leftover feelings for you for seven months, from the time we stopped talking to now.
I can't lie to myself anymore, i can't deny. I know i've said i'm over you, i don't need you, you're not good enough for me, that we are just friends.
Deep down i still have leftover feelings for you.
And they won't go away.
I'm sorry.
I'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell.
and i'm waiting for my rocket to come..
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| Always buzzing just like... |
[24 May 2009|08:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fine |
] |
You know i've never been one for 'regret' or 'wishing i could change the past'.
I consider myself a highly logical person, which sometimes is a huge disadvantage. But it allows me, most of the time, to look at a situation and see the complete logic in it. Regret and the desire to change things is not logical in any respect, so I tend to stray away from those things.
But there is a tiny piece of me, a little corner meadow in my heart, that has regret. That wishes I could go back.
Go back to when I had my chance with him.
I was so stupid and unstable for no reason, a flickering neon sign of emotion, noble gas nonsense.
I fucked it all up. I couldn't handle it.
And then we spent some time apart and I got things under control again. And I found myself happy with life.
And then we started talking again. And I was so completely fine with being just friends.
It made me feel good that I was back to my normal self, that I could just be cool with it.
So why am I not fine with it anymore? What happened?
Now that i'm stable, now that i'm sane. Now that I could handle being with someone. Now it doesn't matter.
Because he doesn't want me anymore,
'stable' or not.
To me that's frustrating, personally frustrating.
That I could be so stupid and dumb and fuck around when I had a chance.
And when I finally grab a hold of myself
the moment is gone.
For a brief moment I thought maybe I had a second chance. It almost felt that way. But I didn't want to do anything that could mess our friendship up. So I kept it inside.
It might have just been in my mind. Real or not, even that 'second chance' seems to have slipped away.
The thought of me, the novelty, has gone away.
Leaving me with just a taste of regret in my mouth.
And until I find something new,
nothing seems to be able to wash it out.
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| If i've told you once, i've told you 18 additional times.. |
[18 Apr 2009|02:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Happy Birthday to me =p
You know..even though 19 is the most pointless age ever, i've heard a lot of people say it was the best age they've ever been.
So I'll take that and run with it.
Because I realized...
You can't get discouraged at what you haven't found yet.
Life is just a bunch of atoms floating around, we bump into each other and cause reactions. We're all just kind of moving around constantly.
And so what if I haven't found what i'm looking for.
I could bump into the right atom tmrw, and my life would never be the same. Or maybe two weeks from now. Or two years.
But you can't rule out a future that has yet to happen. You just never know.
So what if all the atoms I run into just so happen to just want to get into my pants..
I've grown quite used to it. By now, I know exactly how to deal with it.
Pro-status. ;]
Bottom line, I'm just who I am, and I can't be anyone else, and trying would be a waste of time.
I'll find what i'm looking for, for like Ringo Starr says, 'Tomorrow Never Knows' =p
I'll make this age the best i'll ever be, and to hell with anything else.
Nothing lasts forever.
So happy birthday to me :)
Goodnight <3
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| Lying is the most fun a girl can have... |
[07 Apr 2009|09:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 guilty |
] |
I've been doing a lot of lying this week..
On Saturday I went to a party with Roxi and Kasey.
I didn't know anyone there but they claimed to.
I didn't find it to particularly interesting to be in a house full of bros and Mexicans with a Serbian DJ blasting his 'beats' at impossible decibels.
I just contented myself with trying to find a buzz.
I sat with Roxi and watched as her and some lesbian with a lip piercing smoked weed from a bong.
Lesbian: *to me* Want some?
Me: Nah I don't smoke thanks.
Lesbian: What, you straight edge?
Me: *holding up alcoholic beverage* Yeah, I'm straight edge.
Two shots of Smirnoff later, I wasn't feeling any different.
Roxi suggested maybe some hits from the hookah would elevate it, so I sat and smoked for a while.
More and more people poured into the backyard until it was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic.
I listened in on Roxi's conversation with 'Jella', the pierced lesbian.
Roxi: Hey, is there any more weed?
Jella: No man, we put it all in the hookah!
Me: WHAT
Someone: THE COPS ARE HERE
Me: WTF
Roxi: LULZ
Everyone streamed out from the house onto the patio and words were more frantic and hushed, like we were a pack of frightened bunnies trying to hide from an eminent wolf attack.
I saw a man in uniform in the house and hid my drinks under a table. He stepped onto the patio and screamed "ALRIGHT LISTEN UP EVERYONE. PUT YOUR BEERS DOWN. THIS PARTY IS OVER. GO HOME."
Everyone then was ushered out like a herd of sheep into the street and the scene that followed brought me back to the days of the Tesoro parking lot at lunch time. It took fifteen minutes for everyone to get back into their cars and leave, a hundred teenage voices echoing into the quiet neighborhood.
Roxi was at this point quite high and her, Kasey and I began to worry about what we were gonna do as we slowly walked towards Roxi's car. I didn't feel like calling it a night, and even though I couldn't get buzzed, the weed in the hookah definitely had an effect on me. We didn't want to get into the car because Roxi didn't feel like driving, so just when we started to get worried, Jella and her 'girlfriend' drove by. She stopped and I asked if we could hop in..she said yes and we literally hopped in as she drove down two streets up from the crime scene.
We decided to wait it out until the cops left and then go back.
We all sat in the car, Kasey significantly drunk at this point, me trying to understand what was wrong with me, and Roxi straight-up stoned.
Did I mention the two lesbians in the front had just popped some x? In short, we were a car full of stupid fucked up and slightly worried kids. Kasey called Cat and Steve to try and find them while we sat and took in the situation we just found ourselves placed in. Jella called the owner of the house to get an update, while I asked Roxi if I was actually high.
Me: My brain feels..fuzzy..like..static..
Roxi: You're high.
Me: Fuck.
We met up with Cat, Steve and Zach and decided the coast was clear. We walked back to the house. Only a handful of people were left inside, and because everyone I was with knew the girl personally, we were allowed back inside. The scene inside the house was hushed and slightly frantic. We stayed for a while, sitting in the backyard, feeling slightly tense, wondering what we should do.
It was finally decded that we peace out to Zach's house.
Once there, we ate, drank, and tried to be merry, but the whole situation just felt a little off to me.
Figuring I already did something I didn't plan on, I decided to try to get high again, to no avail. I basically succeeded in burning my throat.
We watched some fucked up Italian foreign film and I ended up with an apron on, trying to catch fruit snacks in my mouth thrown by two Persian brothers.
After getting an innapropriate lecture, showing the Persians all of our YouTube videos, and analyzing Kasey's persona, we decided to leave.
I had barely gotten buzzed the whole night.
I wouldn't deem the night a failure but it was indeed strange.
And then there's today.
After causing a freakout last week by telling my parents I was meeting someone from Myspace who lived in Corona, I had to back down and cancel my plans.
I realized that telling the truth was a terrible idea and to lie is ultimately the best, especially because I am an excellent liar when it comes to covering for myself.
So today, I started over and lied about where I was going, and drove to motherfucking Corona.
It took almost two hours because of traffic and I was dying slowly in my Death Cab because of the newly-deceased air conditioning.
I grew increasingly grumpy and when I finally arrived, was almost regretting it, seeing as how I felt like had driven to Mexico..
Corona is a little scary.
I told him to come find me outside.
We drove to an abandoned golf course and walked around for an hour or so talking, then we went to 7/11 cause I got supersuper thirsty and I got an Icee and spilled it all over. Then I drove to this shopping center and we went to a Petco.
The whole time it just felt like friends hanging out. I came to the conclusion that I had driven too far for someone I really didn't have feelings for.
I got lost on the way home and ended up in Newport, and Roxi called me and told me exactly how to get home. I'm glad I have such a good friend looking out for me.
When I finally got home, I realized I had blown off my film project, which I was supposed to help edit.
I feel like a useless let down for that..
And to top it all off,
my dad just finished giving me a lecture [or trying to] about 'what I was planning on doing', and how he's 'so glad I didn't do it', and 'why would i ever think of doing something so stupid like that'.
The whole time I just sat there, not making eye contact, wishing I could just tell him, just to prove my parents wrong, to prove they overreact about everything I do..
But instead I just nodded and said my 'yeah, uh huhs'
And the discussion ended prematurely because I refused to say anything.
God I wish I could just say it. It would be such a fuck you. It would feel good, it really would..
But I decided to hold out until they completely forget about the whole thing.
Maybe by then I will too.
Oh yeah..one more thing I forgot to mention.
I got into a car accident yesterday and Roxi totaled her car.
Yeah.
Lessons learned lately:
It's pretty hard to get around being a heavyweight..damn Russian genes..
Cops are sort of major assholes.
X'd out lesbians are actually quite generous.
Tow trucks smell quite nice on the inside.
Corona is motherfucking far away, and the 91 freeway can suck twelve dicks.
I'm never going back.
I love my best friend.
I'm really not the long-distance relationship type of girl..
I hate lying to my dad. I really do.
But in the end,
lying is almost always a better idea.
Although it comes with guilt you cannot avoid.
I'm a liar.
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| It's 'Take Two' to tango.. |
[19 Feb 2009|05:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
My life is sort of ridiculous sometimes.
I always find myself in these potential situations..
Por ejemplo:
I cannot stop running into Kevin. Like..it happens way more than it should.
We are now pursuing film at the same school, we took the same classes, we know the same circles of people, even some of the same friends, at least once removed..
I see him at school, he even came into my class the other day and dropped something off for Charlie [one of his old projects..very good..it was so weird to see him, Clint and Kimi in the moviet...] and sitting there I know he sees me..i know i make him uncomfortable..it's like him and I have a [pretty stupid] secret that no one in the room knows. And probably never will know. Because like I said, it's [pretty stupid].
So Charlie mentions that Graham, a guy in my group, who happens to be friends with Kevin and Clint btw [to the point where I think he's obsessed with them/has a gay crush on him, because it will probably impress Charlie that he knows them..] anyways, apparently Graham wants to make a feature film that would involve traveling to Boston over the summer, and wanted to know if anyone in class wanted to work pro-bono. [I immediately raised my hand..to travel for free and be able to put a feature on my non-existant resume? Fuck to the yeah!] And of course, Graham starts talking about it a little, and throws in that 'he wouldn't mind having Kevin and Clint direct and produce it'.
That means that, if Graham were to pull his head out of his ass and let me come along with him, [I swear he thinks i'm incompetent. Everytime we do grip work and I go to move something somewhere/plug something in/set something up, he's like 'don't worry i'll do it'. And then gets all surprised that I can do it myself, like a fuckin' vagina can't do grip work. God damn.] Where was I? Right. If he were to let me help him with his feature, and Kevin and Clint agreed to direct/produce it, that means that we would all be traveling together and STUCK with eachother.
That sounds like a fucking RomCom plot if I EVER heard one.
"IN A WORLD, where teenage hearts collide, an unlikely story plays out. Hired to work parallel to each other on the same movie, two bitter ex's duke it out behind the camera. Five years ago, he broke her heart. Now, it's payback time when she falls for his best friend, who happens to play the dashing love interest on screen. Can they come to terms with the past while the present plays out on film? Or will their behind-the-scenes hate for one another be too much to edit out? FIND OUT THIS SUMMER, IN 'Take Two'*.
*Other possible titles include 'On Film', 'Behind The Scenes', 'Acting Out', 'What The Fuck Are You Doing Here? I'm Working On This Movie. So Am I. Well This Is Awkward', and 'This Shit Probably Won't Even Happen Anyways.'
In all seriousness, although it is semi-unlikely, it is STILL POSSIBLE.
And even though my above plot synopsis is quite exaggerated [we never even dated in the first place..although I still to this day would bang Clint hardcore..uh what?], it's mostly based on real life.
And to tell the truth, seeing Kevin the other day made me feel all weird-fluttery-nervous.
I'm seriously fucked up if I still have feelings for that kid. Seriously.
Honestly, I wouldn't mind even just being friends with him. I just wish he wasn't so WEIRD AND AWKWARD AROUND ME. We could be friends, it wouldn't even be a big deal, if he didn't make it one..at the very least I wish he could see that I am not the person I used to be, the person from five years ago, the person he thinks I still am. I wish he'd give me a chance..
Of course, I know that synopsis was a joke, but this is actually a very good screenplay idea. Like, it would honestly make a good movie. If I ever get enough money to make all the movies I want to, I will make this. I will write the screenplay and make this.
And of course, in the story, the ex's end up falling in love...again.
Hey, it could happen.
If only in a movie..
|
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| What i'm grateful for: |
[09 Feb 2009|02:38am] |
Rain.
This storm is so much better than I expected or hoped for <3
Friends.
Instantly make me feel better :]
A kitty who sleeps on my butt.
Because it's unconditional love.
My strength.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but just knowing it's there keeps me going.
Myself
I'm a good person, the end.
Life.
Because it's precious and can be taken away at any given second, so I am grateful for the chance to live on this beautiful world every single day.
SO SHMALTZY.
But it's the truth and you know it.
Lastly,
[even though you don't read my journal,]
I love you Kasey<3
It'll be okay.
Goodnight.
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| YOU KNOW WHAT |
[08 Feb 2009|03:11am] |
I am worth the wait.
I am a good person dammit.
I need to stop caring about other people.
Other people are silly.
I'm convinced that 90% of all humans are just silly.
They do silly things
and say silly things
and are silly things
and the other 10%, well who wants to know them anyways.
Even when it gets hard
and even when it starts to ache again
and even when I wonder why I'm alone
I can't forget that I should never change who I am
thinking I need to change the way I am
to be happy
is wrong
because it may take fucking forever
which is a long god damn time
but sometime
someone will be happy with who I am
and all my paranoia I can put to rest.
All this insecurity I collected along the way
it's tugging at my sleeves
I'm longing to shake it off
Life is just a long string of events
they can't all be good, it's a roll of the dice
who you are and what you do
just depends on where it lands on the board
i'm here and i'm now and this is who I am.
I'm worth all this time.
I'm a silly human
and a snail.
And I'll be okay.
"Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch of life.."
|
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| Have you heard? |
[20 Jan 2009|03:10am] |
Optimism is in town.
I think it's going to stay a while.
It brought a pretty big looking suitcase.
I'm letting it sleep in my bed.
And if Ive learned anything at all
In this short life of mine (it’s this)…
If you hear that joy has come to town
Track it down, take a picture and tape it to your eyes.
It's nice to have guests once in a while.
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| Half of what I say is meaningless.. |
[21 Dec 2008|12:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
But I say it just to reach you...
I don't care about Christmas anymore.
This worries me a bit.
It used to be my favorite holiday.
I used to wait for it all year.
Something to be excited about.
I don't care anymore.
I tried to. I forced myself to do all the things I used to like.
It didn't do much.
I'm convinced this year made me grow up.
Not completely, of course. I don't think I'll ever grow up completely.
It made me grow up in the worst way possible.
It stripped away all the childish joy and wonder from my life.
It just sort of sucked the life out of me, like a dementor.
The kiss of death.
Sucked out my soul from the inside.
Why should I care anymore?
After all that's happened this year, I've learned a few things.
Mainly, I've learned to never have expectations.
Expectations ruin everything.
If you always just expect the worst, you can't go wrong.
I also learned that I am just the kind of person who should be walked on.
Every time I tried to defend myself, I fucked something up.
I let people walk on me, and abuse me, and take advantage of me, and that's just how it should be.
Especially people close to me.
I do so much for people, and they give nothing in return, and I don't even care.
I learned I'm unimportant.
For six months my best friend sort of just..forgot about me.
I felt more alone this year than I ever have in my entire life.
I reached new lows.
And yet I forget.
I forget that every time she has someone new in her life,
I get put up on that shelf again.
Maybe it's not intentional.
But I gather dust.
And I don't even care.
For those six months I mostly kept quiet.
I'm a dog.
Kick me hard and I'll still sleep at your feet.
I'm loyal.
I'm more loyal than anyone I know.
I'd rather just be forgotten than cause a disagreement.
It's just hard to have to crawl back up to the shelf again and wait.
It only hurts more when I get told
"Sara, you just don't know what it's like okay? Maybe if you had a boyfriend too, things would be different. I don't want you to be the third wheel."
Yeah..I wouldn't want that..
In situations like these, with the year coming to an end, you'd hear most people say how glad they are for the new year.
What's there to be glad about?
Putting a new calendar on the wall doesn't change things.
You're still living the same life.
It continues on. The stoke of midnight is just like any other midnight.
We just like to keep track of our success. Or lack thereof.
Humans have thought up a lot of ways to trick themselves.
The thought of a 'new year' is one of them.
Nothing changes.
You're the same person you were five minutes to midnight.
So I'm not 'glad to get the year over with'.
Nothing will change.
I'm just going to keep on living, waiting.
Waiting to see.
Something has got to happen eventually.
But I'm not going to breath a sigh of relief and think, 'Oh gosh, that terrible year is behind me. Now my life will be good again.'
The pearl is still on the string, no matter the location. You can't erase your past.
So this is me being realistic, me sans expectations:
I don't know what next year will bring.
But I'm going there, whether I like it or not.
Just keep on living, whether it be on that silent shelf or in the maelstrom of my mind, deep in depression or haplessly happy.
Life is life.
I don't believe so much in frills anymore.
I have to work on Christmas Eve.
Thinking back to last year, this would have been a major crisis.
I don't really care so much anymore.
It's how things have been running.
Every holiday this year has been a fucking disaster of some sort. Why would I think my bad luck would just skip Christmas?
Nah. It just doesn't matter anymore.
In fact, it's almost convenient.
My mom and her sister are currently not speaking to each other at the moment, so we will not be invited to their house on Christmas Eve like we have every single year since I can remember.
There's a first for everything right?
Someone asked me what was wrong with me when I said 'I didn't ask for anything for Christmas' and that 'presents didn't really matter to me anymore'.
What's wrong with me?
Maybe I grew up.
Maybe I grew dull.
Maybe it's both.
Maybe someday I'll get it back, that feeling.
Maybe maybe.
Until then, I'm just going to keep on living.
So here's to life.
"Everybody had a hard year,
everybody had a good time
everybody had a wet dream,
everybdy saw the sunshine."
|
|
|
[15 Dec 2008|08:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
I've got my memories
and you've got yours.
Do with them what you will
I'm going to keep mine around, if you don't mind.
Because even if you see me as just a big mistake
I don't see it that way.
I'd rather go through it all over again
then never to have woken up at all.
So forget me as fast as you can
but I can't forget you.
Sorry.
That's just the way things are.
I'm better. I'm getting better. I won't be sick anymore. Nothing hurts anymore. Back to that good old numbness.
But i've got quite a good memory.
Remember when..
Remember
that time in your car
it was cold outside but
we were warm.
Windows fogged and orange street light
You fell asleep under me
I watched you sleep
and your face
and your eyelashes and your mouth
and I couldn't help thinking
"This is nice."
And when it was time to go
it felt a bit impossible
but when we finally said goodbye
I drove the whole way home feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time.
Sometimes I pretend my mind is a movie theatre
and I screen memories on the insides of my eyelids
and I fall asleep thinking
"That was a rerun. But i'll watch it again."
I don't want to forget anytime where I ever felt something.
If I forget it, maybe it didn't happen.
So I need proof I can feel something.
Those reruns are proof.
If nothing else.
The gift of memory's an awful curse,
With age it just gets much worse,
But I won't mind.
|
|
| Fuck you. |
[13 Dec 2008|06:02pm] |
Seriously.
I'm so done.
I don't want to play games anymore.
I don't want to be sick anymore.
Just fuck you.
I'm fucking done.
Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.
|
|
|
[12 Dec 2008|05:11pm] |
If you're being subtle like I think you are
then I think it's unfair.
Don't give me hope.
Don't you dare.
Please.
It's the one thing I wanted you to feel but it's wrong.
I'm not strong.
I feign strength, and hope someday it will become real.
I pretend I'm strong and that I don't need you.
God dammit.
In the back of my mind I'd gladly give up and come running back.
But what makes you think you deserve that?
God fucking dammit.
|
|
| Curtain Call |
[11 Dec 2008|09:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
strong |
] |
I'm ready to be better.
I'm ready to be well.
I'm through with this play, this elaborate production that we've put on.
We were both so wrapped up in our roles.
But it was all just a staged play.
Spotlight on me, spotlight on you, back and forth, who's upstaging who, bloody dialogue and passion, glitter costumes and feather masks.
A drama.
We left the audience breathless,
"with twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends"
It was a long run. We were well versed.
But standing on that stage for so long left me confused. Blinded by floodlights.
For so long I had myself on a pedestal.
I'm too good for everyone, so I have no one. And that's the way it will be.
I had such high regards for myself, like most actors do, that I just wouldn't let anyone perform with me. No one could grace the stage with me.
And then you came along and shook up my world. You created a snow globe, turned it upside down.
And for a while, I was dancing in the glory of the snow, the wonder of it. The novelty of being inside of it. Like nothing I had ever seen.
dancing in plastic shake up snow
But it started getting in my eyes and I couldn't see right.
You shook up my confidence.
When the snow finally settled, I had forgotten who I was.
Suddenly I wasn't good enough for you, I was pathetic I was desperate I was a mess.
I wasn't me. I was just an actor in a play.
And you took your cue and you put down the snow globe once more and walked away.
And I was alone on stage and forgot my lines. Spotlight.
I didn't want the scene to end.
You made me forget who I was.
I shouldn't ever forget who I am.
I'm witty and I'm cute and smart as hell. And I have potential. I have no idea what that potential is, but it's all wrapped up in a sticky tape ball inside of me, waiting to be unraveled. It's there.
Maybe it's not good to put yourself on a pedestal. But from there I knew where I stood. I had a sure footing.
With you I couldn't even stand on my own two feet.
We both said it.
"it shouldn't have to be this hard."
We both knew it. And I ignored it.
I went against myself.
A few years ago, I was at the park with some friends. We climbed up this gazebo and sat there for hours, talking. When it was finally time to come down, we all looked at each other. Uhm..How exactly do we do that? We theorized, weighed our options. I decided to jump. "Climbing down seemed too risky." I peered over the edge. My body and every force inside me was screaming 'DON'T JUMP'. I could feel a physical force inside me holding me back. But I jumped. And I sprained my ankle.
Every time I've gone against myself, I've gotten hurt.
It just shouldn't have been that hard. And we knew it.
And those times on stage, those scenes that we shared, I wouldn't give them up for anything, brief and fleeting as they may have been.
Because sometimes it's okay to get lost in your role, carried away.
I got carried away.
But I'm done with this drama. I need to step off the stage and be the person underneath the character. I need to get back to myself.
I deserve to be happy. And so do you.
it's still not easy. But it's getting easier.
It's time I search the snow in this globe for my self-confidence. It got lost in there somewhere. I've got to dig it out.
And it's time to take the final bow.
The curtain call.
I'm ready to be me again.
Because I'm an amazing little kitten, and you can tell me all you want that cat's don't dance.
I will dance on my own.
I can't forget who I am.
Exit stage left, fade to black...
|
|
| Facedown on the floor... |
[09 Dec 2008|04:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
invisible |
] |
Do you want
the complete honest truth?
Well here it is
I wish I could go back in time
I wish I could go back
to before
I became invisible to you
you say you're looking
and you look right through me
x-ray vision
I'm nothing to you.
Fine. I accept that.
I understand.
But the complete honest truth is
that no matter how hard I push it away
there will always be a part of me
that wants to go back
to a time where I could have made it work.
Because I know I could have.
But now I can't.
Because you don't want me anymore.
Nothing to do with me.
And for the record,
thinking about you
always makes me sick.
When I feel sick
I don't eat.
Last night
I didn't eat.
And I passed out at work.
And an ambulance took me to the hospital.
If I were a different kind of person, I could blame it on you.
But I would never do that.
Anyways, there it is.
Nothing you didn't already know.
I just took away the metaphors.
You don't have to change anything.
Just know.
911...
|
|
| Sickness. |
[08 Dec 2008|12:30pm] |
I never know what you're thinking.
I guess at this point it's not my place to know.
I shouldn't be allowed to know.
But every time I read your thoughts
a train hits me
and that sickness comes back
and I'm trying so hard to erase you from my memory
little by little
from my hardrive
because all I want is to be happy.
or to be numb.
I chose numb because I can't really be happy
So I have to distance myself from you
and it hurts less and less.
But then you write what's on your mind
and I have no fucking idea what it all means.
And the blood in my brain carries a thousand thoughts:
is it me you're thinking about?
is it her
who is her
someone old
someone new
someone borrowed
is it true
what are you thinking
what do you want
it's not me
is it?
no.
i know it's not.
i just sometimes wish it was.
You are heroin.
Whether I want you or not
I'm trying to get you out of my blood stream.
It feels like that's what you want
so i'm trying to distance myself.
I was doing pretty good.
And I will keep going.
Because if I can't be happy,
I will be numb.
If you can help with that let me know.
|
|
| Stuck On Repeat |
[02 Dec 2008|03:38pm] |
How many times have I posted these same lyrics?
Too many...
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
on love.
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
but if this, is giving up,
then i'm giving up
on love.
|
|
| Peaceful Protest |
[29 Nov 2008|11:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
I'm staging a silent rebellion in my mind.
A pathetic picket line with one person holding a sign.
A unsuccessful brain boycott.
Silence is the only thing to turn to when you've run out of options.
So I will bite my tongue
and whatever happens happens.
But no more am I going to open my mouth and ruin things with my thoughts.
So I will nod, yes, no, okay.
Whatever you say.
No one gives a shit what I think.
I'm always wrong with you anyways.
|
|
| Delusions, overreactions, dramatics. |
[13 Nov 2008|08:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
I feel like I'm being strung along.
Maybe it's all in my head.
But then again, isn't everything?
Flashback to you on top of me
and looking up I catch a smile
and I almost blurted out
"Will you protect me?"
I don't even know what that fucking means. Who would say that?
I had to hold my tongue.
Protect me from what?
You said you wanted to keep me safe from all the people who step on me.
But I don't believe anything you say anymore.
I can't trust you.
And yeah maybe I let people walk all over me
and I let you hurt me
and I forgave you too easy and too fast
but do you wanna know why?
Because I can't stand the thought of YOU feeling guilty for hurting ME.
My mind is so fucked up that I feel bad for SOMEONE ELSE when they hurt me.
So I agreed. Okay. I said. Just add another tally mark..
But now I'm feeling insecure, like every word out of your mouth is a lie.
Like you don't care about me anymore.
And maybe I don't deserve anyone.
But I feel I deserve to at least be told the truth.
Why can't you just fucking say it?
I've asked you to, so many times.
Just tell me you don't care anymore.
I had prepared myself to be alone again.
I had opened the door on the thought and was about to let it inside.
So it won't hurt anymore.
I just can't stand around feeling unsure anymore.
Maybe I'm not asking for the phrase 'love me or leave me' but something close.
Care about me or fucking toss me aside.
I can't stand any place in between.
I think I'm just sick of this fight.
I want to feel safe, just to rest my head somewhere where I can be sure it can stay.
All I want is for you to make up your mind.
Decide to care about me
or fucking admit that you don't anymore
and TELL ME.
It didn't help that I fucking ran into Jake today.
Yeah we talk just fine, the way friends do. But I can't look at him without thinking
'Wow just another example of a relationship I fucked up completely.'
And in that moment I wish I never let him go.
Although I know it wouldn't be much different.
Or even if it would, it doesn't matter.
Because even two years ago I didn't like him enough to stay.
And my heart only grew more numb since then.
I remember my Freshman year when I was so naive, and the way it felt to LIKE someone. I swear I could feel it. I swear I could feel my heart inside my chest. And even though it was stupid and meaningless and a waste of time, that feeling was reassurance. That my heart could feel.
Since then, I haven't felt that way.
Four fucking years and it just gets worse.
I don't know if I can ever have feelings for someone ever again.
Sometimes I tell myself it's because I'm older.
'When you're older it doesn't matter if you feel a certain way about someone. If you think you like them you do'
I've never been good at lying to myself...
I can still get hurt, but I can't have feelings for anyone anymore, I've realized that.
And maybe you just apologized because you realized you'd rather string me along then be alone.
And maybe I allow it because I don't want to be alone either.
So that would make us just a couple of selfish motherfuckers, wouldn't it.
I just really can't fight this fight anymore.
I'll be alone.
It's nothing I'm not used to.
But I'm just getting too beaten up trying to win.
I promised I'd try for you
but I can't try when I feel like you don't give a shit anymore.
And I don't break my promises.
Prove to me you care
and I will care back,
or admit that you don't
so I can walk away
holding my white flag.
Say the word and I will surrender.
and this time I won't come crawling back..
|
|
| Honestly, |
[10 Nov 2008|11:44pm] |
You know, it's kinda nice being the one who got hurt for once.
Now I can pretend I'm the victim
even though I started this whole game in the first place
I'm the one who opened the box and shook it around a little just to rattle the little metal pieces a bit
then put the top back on
when I realized
I don't want to play this game anymore
It's nice being the one who got hurt
no guilty conscience on my mind
maybe a little sympathy...
Okay so I fucking knew it would never work. In the back of my mind I knew it. And I told you I was going to hurt you
What a nice refreshing surprise it is
to get a taste of my own rejection for once
Hah! I actually got the 'let's just be friends' bit
And it feels fucking great
to be allowed to feel depressed again
to be fucking alone
and I'm mad and it's making me smile
because I'm some sick twisted fucked up person
and I got hurt
and I cried
and I'm back to being alone
and it's like alone was saving a spot for me
'hey man, we missed you, nice to have you back'
and I fit right in
and now I know
that i'm just
not the relationship type
and now I know
that I'm just not worth the wait
you said you'd wait for me
and in the the darkest corners of my heart
I didn't believe you
but I won't call you a fucking liar
because it's not a lie if I knew it too
I'm not worth the wait.
It makes sense.
There's too many pieces and parts to this heart of mine
and the instructions are all in some language that no one even speaks anymore
you tried to put slot A to corner B
and it didn't fit
and we tried to force it
but it didn't fucking fit
and I wanted my heart to be built
so I tried
and you watched me sit there and fumble with the screws and the wood
and you fucking gave up on me
because no one wants to wait
when they can get a piece of furniture any old place.
Put it back in the box.
Sorry I wasn't worth the wait..
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